Keeping it easy

Aim for moderate

Aiming high, I believe, is irrelevant. I believe in aiming for moderate. Half way. Good enough.

Let me explain: if you are sad, you don’t aim for deliriously happy. You just want to be happy, which is in the middle. Moderate. If you are a buffoon, you don’t want to become serious, you want to be funny. Middle.

What’s the purpose of aiming for half, way? For moderate? It makes the task seem easier, attainable. You feel like you just need to take a few baby steps to the right or left, not become the absolute opposite of who you are.

How are you feeling today? Do you want to change it a little bit? What can you do to make it a little bit better? What little thing can you do today to make things align to what is important to you today?

Couples work

Together things are better

Building a habit takes practice. One easy way to do something you don’t normally do is to couple it with something you like to do.

Hate exercise and love podcasts? Couple them!

Hate ironing and love watching tv? Couple them!

Need to homeschool and also love scented candles? Couple them!

Do that thing you love doing with that thing you have to do but don’t want to do. It ends up being a pleasant experience, so much so that you probably will soon look forward to that thing you didn’t like to do.

The Silence

How it lets you listen to yourself

There is a lot going on at the moment. The pandemic, the news, the zooms, the non stop internal conversations we have.

Amidst all this lifestyle noise, it’s very hard to hear ourselves, to listen to what our bodies and feelings are telling us. Sometimes, if we don’t stop and listen to ourselves, we will miss key signs of our bodies telling us something important. If we are feeling tired, lethargic, apathetic, stressed, anxious and so forth, these are all signs our body is telling us to stop and listen.

Just S.T.O.P.

Breathe.

L.I.S.T.E.N.

Breathe.

Turn the tv off, the radio, the podcast and listen to your breath and your heartbeat. Breathe in for 5 heart beats and breathe out for another 5 beats. Continue. Repeat. And Repeat. Until your body and mind are quiet and you can hear yourself. Stay here. Don’t go. Be comfortable with it. You owe it to your mind and body.

How to love

yourself…

You don’t need to like yourself in order to love yourself.

Self-love doesn’t mean you have to like who you are, how you’re acting, or what you’re doing all the time. Self love is the act of being present and attentive with yourself no matter what and being completely radically honest with how you’re feeling. And then being accepting of your honesty.

The parts of ourselves we don’t like, are ashamed of, we wish to ignore are like a crying child asking for comfort. We should treat that emotion for ourselves like a parent would for a child.

Here are two ways to start loving yourself:

Speak to yourself with compassion. If you made a mistake, say it’s ok. It was a mistake. I wasn’t trying to screw up.I was trying my best. I’ve learned something new today for tomorrow.

Listen to what your physical body is saying to you. your body is always sending you important messages. How do you feel right now? Anxious? Quaint? Irritated? Tired? Hopeful? That is your body checking in with your mind. When you understand what your body is telling you, you will then know how to correct the negative feelings and enhance the positive.

*Adapted from Liz DiAlto’s Untamed Self Love

Exercise is an act of love

Most people wince at the word exercise. It has a bad connotation of torture, pain, reluctance. It is seen as punishment for eating too much, for being too lazy. It isn’t about being compassionate to ourselves; it’s about punishing ourselves for not doing what we “should” be doing.

But let’s reframe exercise. Rather than it being punishment for not having the body that we want, the strong abs, the visible triceps, the skinny thighs, why not see it as an act of love for ourselves?

Pppfffft, I hear you say. Let me defend exercise. First, let’s call it movement. It’s about moving our bodies. That’s a good reframe. Second, we know exercise is excellent for our cardiovascular health, and our bone health and our brain health. Third, we know it boosts our endorphins, making us happier. Fourth, we know it helps us sleep better, which in turn makes us happier. Fifth, we know it helps us make wiser food choices when we are happier. Sixth, movement makes us sweat, which cleanses our skin, making us look more radiant, which makes us happier. Seventh, it improves our digestion, which makes us happier.

Movement is an act of love for ourselves because we are working on our happiness. It has been proven that 30 mintues of cardiovascular movement a day (a brisk walk, run, yoga, pilates, swimming, etc) is just as effective as the most popular anti depressants. AND with no negative side effects!

For your happiness, let’s get moving. And as a side effect, you might get that body you want :).

Let it RAIN

with self compassion

Stinging moments are when you are pierced by an unpleasant situation and you want to lash out. Did someone just say something unkind? Did you receive stressful news? Did someone just annoy you profusely?

You have a split second to decide how to react: with anger/stress/anxiety or with empathy and self compassion. RAIN is a wonderful tool to try the second reaction. RAIN is a kinder approach in a bad situation for you and the receiver. Tara Brach, a psychologist and meditation teacher, created this mindfulness tool that helps soothe our minds and bodies.

R= recognise the feeling and be as specific as you can be. Stress? Anger? Anxiety? Panic?

A= accept and allow it to happen. Like the tide, it will recede. Don’t try to bat it away but allow it to subside.

I= investigate how your body is reacting. Is it a faster heart rate? Shallow breathing? Inability to focus?

N= nurture yourself through the feeling. Speak to yourself and the situation with compassion. Try to reverse the physical reaction you are experiencing. If your heart rate is high, calm it down by breathing in through the nose, out through the mouth, and counting your heart beat until it has slowed down.

The next time you experience something that stings, can you try to let it RAIN?

Start badly…

Just as long as you start.

Starting something is hard. The first step is the hardest because before that step comes the anticipation of starting it, which is always harder than the act of doing it.

Before we start, we think about how we are going to do it perfectly and trying to convince ourselves that we won’t fail at it. And we keep planning and thinking, thinking and planning. And maybe we may not end up starting at all.

So why not set yourself a goal to start and to start badly? That’s a good goal to have: it’s too small to fail :). And why not prepare to have a laugh about how badly it went, because, I can quite assure you, that it will definitely NOT be as bad as you are expecting it to be. Now that’s a lovely surprise and pat on the back for you.

So if you are thinking of starting to run, rather than planning your clothes, your route, the time you will run and how much you will run (and not walk), just throw your shoes on and go. Just go. Do it imperfectly. And have a laugh.

What’s your first step?

You are who you are

Not what you do.

You are what you are, not what you do. This is about an identity that aligns with your values, what is important to you.

One overlooked tactic to maintaining good habits is saying you ARE that good habit, not that you must DO a good habit. For example: you want to get physically fit this year. Rather than saying, “I am going to run 5 times a week,” which is an extraordinary goal anyway, it would be better to say, “I am a fit and healthy person.”

When you identify with this person, your behaviour will align to it. When faced with the opportunity to have a sugary dessert or to sit on the sofa rather than go for that run, you should think, “But I am a healthy person. Therefore I will behave as a healthy person.”

What habits have you wanted to start and stick to that hasn’t worked previously? Who is that person you want to be, not what is the action you want to do?

Your best friend

is inside you.

You are your own best friend. Or you should be. We are usually our own worst enemy: so critical about everything we do, easy to berate and be unkind to ourselves. If you were another person and that person treated you this way, you wouldn’t want to spend any time with them. And yet, we have no choice but to spend our whole lives with ourselves, so why not be kind and compassionate?

If it feels awkward to speak to yourself compassionately, try being a third person. For example: Sarah is struggling with her sleep during lock down. She would say, “What would Sarah do in this situation? What would Sarah say to her friend with the same problem?”

Compassion is the act of alleviating suffering so let’s help us help ourselves.

Have more and more

not less and less

Food. Deliciousness. Joyful. Nourishing. Yet many see it as an enemy, or something to control, or a struggle. Many of my clients say they need to eat less sugar, less carbs, less fizzy drinks, less caffeine, less alcohol, less this and that. Thinking about depriving yourself actually lowers your serotonin, your natural happy pill.

So here is a little trick, why not say “I will have MORE OF [insert nourishing food/drink here].” By allowing yourself an abundance of the good, you will naturally, inadvertently, without trying, crowd out the bad. Sound familiar, right? :) There is only so much food your stomach can take so have more good than bad.

The next time you load your plate, why not aim for half your plate to be plants? An easy way to describe plants is that they grow from the ground and they don’t have a heart beat. Then add what you like on the other half.

Has this shifted the way you load your plate?